This feeling has been gnawing on me for years. Every time I would scroll Instagram and see a post about a baby being born, someone else’s baby’s birthday, or god forbid a story of a “magical” birth, my body would clench… Why is this happening?
I have three kids and they all came into the world via a C-section. Even though my intention was to give birth to them naturally, the way nature intended, it didn’t happen that way. I am very thankful for my healthy kids and I love them (obviously I do, why do we, mothers, need to make this disclaimer, as if someone might accuse us of not loving our children?). I managed to stuff all my birth trauma into one box and hid it in a far away dark corner of my soul closet.
Until I became AWARE of a conclusion I was drawing out of this entire experience:
Because my kids didn’t enter the world “naturally”, but via a C-section, I am not a good mother.
(I am very good at drawing conclusions like that! Check out my story about how I equated playing a musical instrument to talent and how it prevented me from any creative expression).
Don’t you see the logic here? My kids’ births were not perfect and because of that I’m a bad mother. On the other hand, the women on Instagram who had magical births, are good mothers.
At the end of last year I realized that it was time to get that box out of the closet, and get the courage to open it up and process it.
A friend of mine was pregnant at the time and I got the honor of photographing and filming her Mother Blessing Ceremony. I was trying to steady my camera as I was sobbing through the experience. It was a beautiful gathering of closest friends and family who came together to celebrate the upcoming arrival of baby Joy into the world.
I enjoyed the event immensely but it also brought up a lot of emotions because:
- I did not have a ceremony like that…
- I did not have people come bless my belly, and rub cornmeal on my feet to honor me…
- I did not have friends caress my face with a fragrant rose…
- I did not write a song dedicated to my child…
- I did not have people sit in circle and sing that song in unison…
- I did not….
(am I just a jealous bitch?)
For me, once again, this confirmed my notion of being a “bad mother”. All good mothers have motherhood initiation and mother blessing ceremonies, don’t they?
Amy and I talked about my birth trauma and I was hired to be Amy’s birth photographer. The plan was for me to capture the magic of Joy’s birth at home (Amy is a good mother all around) AND for me to attempt to heal and process my own birth experiences.
Witnessing the birth of Amy’s daughter Joy was healing and triggering and elating all at once. It was a testament to the power of a woman’s body and it was amazing to witness that.
When attempting to understand WHY I am disappointed about my birth experience, I dug up where the suffering comes from. It comes from this:
- Comparing my birth to a “perfect” birth.
- Attachment to having my birth be a certain way.
- A belief that a C-section is an “easy” birth.
Comparing my birth to a “perfect” birth
My first birth experience did not go the way I envisioned it. We all want what’s best for our babies, and an unmedicated natural birth is what’s considered best for the child. With my first child, my intention was to give birth naturally.
For context, here’s how my three births unfolded.
1st baby: scheduled C-section because the doctor said the baby was breach.
2nd baby: scheduled C-section. I considered doing a VBAC (vaginal birth after C-section), but the way the doctor presented the risk statistic (or the way I understood it), pushed me to opt for a C-section.
3rd baby: emergency C-section after attempted VBAC. I wanted to experience natural birth and everything seemed to be going “according to plan”, but at a certain point in labor, I developed a fever and the baby’s heart rate started dropping. I did not have a doula and a big support team, which could have made a difference in how my birth went.
When I was pregnant with my first child, my doctor told me that the baby was lying head up in the womb. She was considered a breach, and because of that I would have to have a C-section.
The doctor did give me some exercises to do for the baby to turn, and I did them. When I went in for an other ultrasound, the nurse technician told me that the baby had turned! I was overjoyed at the fact that I could experience the process of natural childbirth.
When I returned the following week for another visit, the doctor took me to the ultrasound room. He performed the ultrasound himself, with no nurse in the room, and told me that the baby turned head up again.
I had never seen a doctor do an ultrasound himself. Years later, looking at that experience, I wonder if what he told me was the truth. We will never find out. I eventually left that doctor, but it was my first child and I was naive. I went in for a scheduled C-section.
There are a lot of people saying this way or that way is better for the baby, there are a lot of people who are against modern medicine. There is this unseen unspoken pressure for an unmedicated birth in a tub at home. And of course, vaginal birth is better because of the bacteria in the birth canal that helps the baby.
Of course we want what’s best for the baby. And because I did not have a vaginal birth, I feel like I’m not measuring up to this standard of birthing perfection.
Attachment to Having My Birth Be a Certain Way
Whenever you attach yourself to a specific outcome, if things work out NOT the way you envisioned, there is disappointment. My birth was NOT what I thought it would be like, but I think even with natural births it is often not what we paint it to be. So there may be a slew of emotions there, from sadness and disappointment to joy, obviously.
There definitely was fear in my decision because the doctor painted the C-section experience to be a safer way for both me, the mother, and the child. On top of that, looking back at the experience, there is some anger and resentment at the doctor who possibly lied to me. Having a scheduled surgery at 7 am in the hospital is much more convenient than being woken up at 3 am and not knowing when the baby will actually see the light of the world.
I think most first-time moms go into the experience thinking it will be a beautiful rollercoaster on a rainbow with unicorns along the way.
Everyone wants an easy fast birth but not everybody gets that. Some women are in labor for 24 hours. Did they envision it that way? I doubt it. I suppose that’s the beauty of a huge lesson in the birthing experience – letting go, flowing with it, and letting it unfold the way it is meant to.
When I was attempting to give birth to my third child, my son, vaginally, the birth did not go as I envisioned. Had I had a doula and other women supporting me through labor, I might have been able to do it myself. If I hadn’t been strapped to the bed by a baby’s heartrate monitor and could have walked around, it might have been a different experience. Many things contributed to creating the birth trauma. The biggest one among them was the fact I didn’t know…
- I didn’t know that having a doula really makes a difference in your birthing experience.
- I didn’t know that I could tell the hospital that I will get up and walk around and they must honor my wishes.
- I didn’t know that if too much time elapses after the water breaks, it’s not good for the baby.
- I didn’t know and now I cannot go back and change those things….
My husband thinks I’m crazy. He reminds me that the important thing is the outcome: we have three beautiful healthy children who are so loved. And it is to true, it is a blessing.
A C-section is an Easy Birth
Lastly, I see a C-section as an “easy” birth. You don’t go through the agony of contractions, and the feeling of your vagina bursting and your asshole popping out. You don’t suffer. (Uuu, did I just uncover a limiting belief there? If you don’t suffer, you don’t deserve it? Or it’s not the RIGHT way?)
With a C-section, you show up in the hospital at 5 am, they do your pre-op IV while you lie in a cold room, and at 6:58 am you are holding your baby in your sweet embrace.
This “easy” birth, by the way, is considered a major surgery. The doctor cuts through your skin, takes out your intestines, cuts through the uterus, the amniotic sac, takes out the baby, then puts everything back, and stitches you up. You pee into a bag and can’t poop for a few days. On top of that, you heal for the next couple of months. Which part of it is exactly easy?
I think both vaginal birth and a C-section are not easy births. I don’t know what’s easy about the whole motherhood experience… Deciding what color to paint your nursery? Even that requires mental power so even that’s not easy!
Language That Can Contribute to Creating Birth Trauma
When I was pregnant with my second daughter, I met with a midwife, because I wanted a better birth experience the second time around. She eventually referred me to a wonderful doctor who, even though a modern medicine practitioner, was more open to respecting women’s wishes and not pressuring them into convenient-for-him ways.
But one thing she said about the C-section was this: with a C-section, the birth doesn’t happen on baby’s terms: someone fling opens the door open and rips the baby out of the coziness of the mother’s womb into a brightly lit surgery room.
Now, how the fuck am I supposed to feel good as a mother after that description???
The words we use are important. And if I paint my birth experience in those words, it will not help anyone, not me, not my children. The same experience can be described in different words, giving it a different shading, and some people want to paint modern doctors to be these evil creatures, and wording like this helps achieve that. But I choose not to subscribe to that.
(And maybe I’m just too impressionable, and that’s why I perceive the world this way?)
The reason I decided to write this story is because I didn’t want to have my stomach tie up in knots every time I saw a reel of Taylor Swift dancing with a caption “this is how you feel after an unmedicated home birth”. And I know I’m a fucking weirdo because many women I know had C-sections and they are perfectly happy with the experience they’ve had and the thought of “less of a mom” doesn’t even shadow their mind.
These women don’t feel their babies were “ripped out of their uterus” and brought into the world. So this is my way of processing it, and if this helps someone, it makes me happy.
Healing a Birth Trauma
As I was unpacking the whole birthing experience with the beautiful mother whose birth I photographed AND who is a holistic therapist and friend (and whose videos you can watch here), here’s my action plan for healing around this:
I need to forgive myself, others and the whole situation.
I did not know better, I didn’t ask for a second opinion, both I and my husband (and I!) had fears.
In order for me to accept and forgive, I need to work through the emotions that I have in relation to this experience. It is sadness of it being not what I envisioned, it is anger at the doctor, anger at myself for not knowing better, it is resentment towards the doctor who did what was convenient for him, resentment at the midwife who said the baby gets “ripped out” of me, it is jealousy of other women who had an unmedicated home birth, it is the grief of not being able to go back and redo the experience…
What does “working through” these emotions look like? I see journaling, talking about it with a trusted friend. I also read somewhere that movement, like dance or yoga, are great for processing emotions because we store some many of them in our bodies.
I can also practice gratitude and trusting that everything happens the way it should be. I can remind myself that my babies came into the world the way they were supposed to. They are healthy and happy and that’s what matters.
Once I process these emotions, I can forgive and accept.
Another useful reminder is to know that MY EXPERIENCE was perfect for me and my children. There’s no reason to panic or get worked up every time I see someone sharing about their experience, no matter how “perfect” it was. Their experience is their experience, and when they say comparison is a thief of joy, it is!
Scientists say comparison is an evolutionary tool that helps us gauge how we are doing, but in the modern world it rarely serves as a tool for positive transformation.
Even though this blog is not focused solely on motherhood and childbirth, but rather on our journey through life as women, this story was an important one for me to share.
I am curious to know if I’m the only crazy woman who thinks these things? I’m curious to know about your birth experience and thoughts around it. Please share in the comments or send me a private message.
This issue falls into the category of one of those things that you don’t just take care of once and they are done and gone. Just like it took my time for my C-section scar to heal, it will take time for my birth trauma to heal. May this story be the beginning of it for me and for you, if you need it.